Working with Emotions (Donkey Of Doubt)
In this episode, Joe Clements explores mindfulness as a tool for navigating the ups and downs of daily life with compassion and self-awareness. Through a guided meditation and dharma talk, Joe shares personal insights into working with doubt and self-esteem, emphasizing the transformative power of accepting emotions without attachment.
A transcript of this podcast can be found below.
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Working with Emotions (Donkey Of Doubt)Talk and Meditation Streamed for Santa Cruz Meditation Group
Welcome to the hella meditated podcast with Joe Clements.
Alright y'all, welcome Welcome to the Thursday night Santa Cruz meditation group.
My name's Joe. And for anybody that's new, there's some tea at the back. There's, uh, restrooms down the hall and to the right. And, uh, the flow of the group usually is we'll do a little arriving meditation. I'll ask you a wacky question after the arriving meditation and hopefully you'll, you'll check in.
And then, uh, have a little bit of a topic tonight, maybe we can, uh, speak to, and then we'll do a little break and then a longer meditation, usually about 25 minutes. And all the meditation is guided. Um, don't have to go in this bad neighborhood alone. And, uh, yeah, we'll speak a little bit more to the guided meditation a little bit later.
Um, okay.
So how about we just get started with just, uh, A little arriving meditation. We're here. I always like to, okay, we're here. What's here? So feeling our feet. Feeling the body in the seat. Taking a look around the room. You're self oriented to your surroundings. Checking out your space.
This does a lot for the nervous system. Just looking around the room. Yeah, maybe you feel like you need to wiggle into your seat a little bit. You can find a place to rest your eyes if you want to leave your eyes open or close your eyes.
And whether your eyes are open or closed, just checking in. Just noticing
the mind, the body.
Noticing the energy of the mind. If it's, uh Little stirred up from the outside world, coming into a meditation group, you kind of notice that sometimes. Might have a matching energy to the body, a little restless.
Just let yourself settle, let the mind settle on its own.
Noticing the thoughts of the day, the feelings of the day, the flavors of the day.
We're not trying to push that away or achieve something here.
We just allow those to be here.
And we can practice just not giving them all the attention right now by shifting our awareness to what else is present. What else is here? Noticing the points of contact in the sea. The body sitting. The weight of the body. This effortlessness of arriving and sitting can be held by the chair, the floor, this earth, supported by gravity.
Let yourself sink into it, into the core of this earth.
With the airs touching the skin, you can just allow what's here to arrive and greet you.
Allowing the next in breath to arrive and greet you.
Just noticing the effortlessness of this breath. Just breathing all on its own.
This is the body, this is the breath.
Noticing the sounds.
Just because we're at a meditation group doesn't mean everybody is. And that's okay.
It's just sound.
Noticing taste and smell. Seeing, even with the eyes closed, there's shapes, there's colors.
And you've arrived.
I want to invite you to,
to even turn towards the thoughts and the emotions that you're coming into the group with today. Maybe create a mood that you're coming into the group with. A mood that you've been in maybe for the past few hours, days, weeks.
How do you know that's here? Is it a thought? Is it a sensation?
And if this mood was an animal, what kind of animal would it be? A
lion of fear, bear of anger,
deer of hope, gazelle of joy?
Just name it.
Or whatever animal comes to mind.
Letting that go, coming back to the feet, the seat, the sounds. And we'll just wrap it up with a few intentional breaths together. So on the count of three, I want to invite you
to gently breathe in through the nose and just let a long exhale out the mouth. So on three. 1, 2, 3 in and let it go. Nice, slowly in, really fill up the body, the chest, the belly, and let it go. And on the out breath, just let a little bit more at the end, push a little bit more, and then in really fill up the whole body and hold it at the top.
And then the out breath makes some sound. Whoa.
Nice. Checking in again with the feet, the seat, the sounds. As I ring the bell, I can move the body, look around. Back into the room. Well,
welcome. It is a different you that I'm seeing or is it the same? You regular you. So y'all know what my wacky checking question's gonna be. What animal came to mind? If you could put an animal description to the way you feel right now, what animal is here?
Christian, I saw that hand come up a little bit. I'm not gonna let you get away with that. Giraffe. Giraffe. Okay. Awesome. Who else? Yeah. Turtle. Nice. Nice. Yeah. Anybody else have an animal?
Come on. Be playful with me. Crow. First day of summer. A crow. I like it. A hawk. Okay. Yeah. It just came to mind. Anybody else over on this side? Anybody? You guys got something. Yeah.
Black Panther.
Yeah, please. Lots of bees. Okay. Just came to mind. Yeah.
Hello, kitty. Yeah, okay. So disturbing. Disturbing one. I love it. It's just random. Right? You know? Just random. Yeah. A burrow. Yeah. Okay. Burrow. What is a burrow?
It's okay. Ah, okay. I like, I can relate to you already. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. This is interesting. Okay. So, It has no meaning. None of it, right? It doesn't have meaning. We can put meaning to it. But there's a great teaching that I like, and it's a way of just working, and I bring it in a lot, and I talk about it a lot, a way of working with the way we feel in a different way.
Yeah. Being descriptive with it, maybe even playful with the way we feel. Sometimes you just color, ah, it's kind of blue right now or whatever, you know? And if anybody, you know, maybe that's just the animal that came to mind, but anybody that had a feeling and that's what came to mind, you know, there might be a reason for it.
You might be like, because dot, dot, dot, dot. And sometimes that's helpful, but most of the times it's not. Because that can get us in the loop of the story of why I feel this way.
And the transformative piece of mindfulness for me is how we can change our relationship to how we feel by not identifying with how we feel. I am angry. I am sad. I am, I am, I am, I am. So if we're just describing it, we're experiencing it. It's just an experience. And as you well know, all experiences come and go, yeah?
But the more we stew on it, the more it's there. You know, and sometimes we need to figure some things out, you know? But my experience is, the more I'm trying to figure something out, It's just, the further I get away from the answer. But if I can just let it be, it's like, Oh, there's some clarity, there's some wisdom, Compassion that naturally arises.
And I'm going to get to the donkey in a minute because that, the donkey burrow, but I'm going to, mine's a donkey. But there's a great teaching by Ajahn Chah, a Buddhist monk, called the Clear Forest Pool. You know, when we come to this, you know, we come to meditation to, to hopefully to try to chill, right?
And it's like, we think of meditation, it's like, okay, we chill the fuck out, you know, and yes. You can, but not always. And sometimes we may be chilling, but the in inner stuff is not chilling. There's a lot stirred up, right? So without having a goal, without having, um, yeah, this end game in mind, Ajaan Chai talks about, you know, that yes, mindfulness can calm the mind.
Yes. And it can. By bringing our awareness to the feet, the seat, the sounds, the breath, and just finding a place in our direct experience to rest the awareness, the mind will follow and rest there as well. And when it's resting, it sends information to the brain that right now it's okay, we can chill. Right now, it's like, come in here from the day or whatever, it's like, fight, flight or freeze kind of thing, it's like, our nervous system is like, high alert.
So bringing our awareness to the senses. Just in that brings in that animal instinct, that mammalian part of our brain, to get this front part of our brain offline for a moment. Right? So, the clear forest pool, we can, we can calm the mind to be like a clear forest pool. I like that. I, I'm very, uh, you know, imagery is something, imaginative, I like thinking of things like that.
Like, oh,
and over time, and there might be some chopping this, but over time, feet, seat, sounds, breath, and it calms beautiful. But then he goes on to say that within that clear forest pool, all kinds of fascinating creatures come to drink,
worry, doubt, judgment, lions, tigers, bears, yeah. Yeah. But also gazelles, you know, deer. So I like to even think about that and working with emotions that arise, right? What do you think would happen if we're, if, if, uh, you know, there's a lion right here and we're trying to shoot away. What do you think would happen?
The little giggle you probably know. Yeah. Or a bear. Shoo! Hey bear! I'm saying bear because a friend has talked about it. Thought I was saying, um, uh, turn towards your anger instead of anchor. Which is beautiful because that's it too. But the more we try to shoo something away, it's going to come at us, yeah?
That tiger, that bear. It's like, what? You know? So same thing with those emotions. The more we try to push it away, the more it's going to attack. So when we sit on the shore feet, seat, sounds, breath, let it drink. Okay. And we can do that. There's a lot of wisdom. We can see it. It's the majestic lion, right?
It's a lot of wisdom that can arise in the emotions. There's giving us information. They're not bad. Even anger, not bad, you know, it's only bad when it's, well, if you need to protect yourself, that's one thing, but lashing out anger or, you know, stuffing the anger, you know, so it's just being, this is anger.
This is experiencing anger. How do I feel it in the body? It's a tightening up jaw clenching. Okay. There may be a whole story to it, but we can let go of the story. I came into meditation with a lot of agitation, a lot of anger, you know, and all I really is like the stories didn't help me. But when I started saying, seeing where I held the anger, it was like, Whoa, I was tight.
I had these Cobra shoulders, like I was ready to attack.
And when I let the anger subside, the agitation, let go of the stories, I got to see what was underneath. The great donkey of doubt. Low self esteem, worry. Donkey. I call it a donkey because there's a story of a donkey that, was, you know, in between two barrels of hay. And didn't know which one to eat, so it starved to death.
You know, it's the donkey of doubt.
It's one of the hardest hindrances in the practice of Buddhism to conquer, but to be with, you know, doubt. But also doubt has a lot of wisdom. Is what I found when I got to be with the low self esteem, the worry, the self doubt. The doubt, always doubting myself. And why I'm thinking of this is because the doubt is still here.
It's showing up again. And it usually happens when I put myself out there. It's like, Oh shit. Ah, something in me is really scared. Judgment, criticism, wanting to be good. Praise, you know, there's worry and doubt. Am I doing it right? But it's a different flavor, because I've been with it, I know this. And I've found myself caught up in it, and it's like, Whoa, okay, here you are again, okay?
You little donkey.
And I remember when I was first recognizing this doubt, like, big time, and it was debilitating, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do anything because the fear of being criticized. You know? And I think doubt taught me now is, is humility. And it's so beautiful to have humility and I like to rest in humility. I try to come even at what I'm doing here is a place of humility.
You know, I'm, I'm no better than y'all. You know, I have some things that help me with my shit. And hopefully it can help you with your shit. Inspiring. Humility. But what happened is that doubt, I would hide in humility. There's a difference. It's like, no, I'm not good enough. No, no, I'm not good enough. So there's a difference.
So I try not to hide in humility. Try to rest in humility. And I see it when the doubt is there, it might be, am I being authentic? Am I being true? Okay. Okay. You know, most of the times, yes, but there's sometimes like, ooh, you know. And it's good to lean into stuff that is a little uncomfortable, you know.
Just like, try something new. Learning a new instrument. You know, it's good. And it's good to make mistakes. But I remember working with this, this doubt, and again, it was so debilitating. It was like, it kept me from so many things, because I just wasn't good enough, you know. I stopped playing music for a long time because I, I didn't think I was good enough, you know.
And I, I don't even know if I'm good enough now, but I have fun doing it. That's all that matters, right? Kept me from doing a lot of teaching stuff. There was opportunities, and I'm like, Nah, nah, nah, nah. Hey, the other teachers are way smart, right? I'm not smart, you know, shit like that. Crazy. I'm smart. I don't need to know stuff, but I heard this story.
It's on NPR or something. It's great. It was, it's weird how these things kind of work, right? Where it's like you hear things or if you're not paying attention, this is what I've noticed. If I'm not mindfulness really helps me. If I wasn't being with the doubt. and investigating it, knowing where, with it, what's going, the stories.
I don't think I would have heard this, you know, and you start, you see signs, you see, you hear things. It's like, Oh shit. But it was NPR random story about this dude that was gonna, he sold all his belongings in the States and was just going to trek across, uh, South America, just walk across South America.
And, you know, he had a big community here in the states and I guess a bunch of rascals were his friends because when he got to the port in South America, a person brought up a donkey and said, this is yours. The guy's like, what? And, uh, And found out that his friends, like, got one, somebody, like, uh, bought him a donkey.
And said, this is your friend. This is your new companion. And he's like, what the hell am I going to do with this donkey? It was like, what? And he was confused and just started walking and started doing his thing. And what happened for him was, Every town he would go into, people were like, Who's this gringo with a fucking donkey?
And so it was like, people were kind of coming up and like, What's going on? Asking him questions. Oh, is the donkey hungry? Are you hungry? Do you need a place? So he started giving him places to stay. It was a blessing. And like, I think a year passed of him trekking around, or you know, close to that. I don't know how long it takes.
Six months or so. Anyway. Yeah. And he got really attached to this donkey and the, you know, it's his, his buddy.
And the story goes where, I think that, there was a huge like, uh, rainstorm, it was like raining for days, and, uh, they needed to get over this mountain to get to the next port to go somewhere else, and they're gonna miss, I say they, him and the donkey were gonna miss their boat. Laughter. And, uh, so they're, they waited, but it's just kept monsooning, and they just started walking over this mountain.
And the little trail up this fuckin mountain, I don't know where it was, but it sounded really sketchy. And, uh, the donkey just stopped. And it's like, didn't, it wouldn't move, and the dude's like, fuckin let's go! Let's go, come on, we gotta get over, we're almost to the peak, we gotta get over this mountain, just pullin and the donkey would not go.
Just stayed there and he's like, what the hell? And he just kind of threw up his arms. And like a moment later, a huge slide took away the whole trail right in front of them. Just, right. Wow. The donkey of doubt. What's it saying? You know, and that's the beautiful thing about this practice is the curiosity.
Every emotion that we're feeling is telling us something, even the ones that are really difficult, you know? And it's not like we need to figure it out, but it's like, okay, you're here. That's enough. That's enough. But if you can be curious about, especially those surface anger, or surface, uh, emotions like anger, frustration, what's it really saying?
Mm hmm. What's the underneath piece, you know, even doubt, you know, even doubt, what's it saying or just watching it rise and pass because it does rise and pass the only thing that keeps us stuck in it is the story and maybe it's telling us that some shifts need to be, need to happen, you know, there's regret, regret, regret, there's guilt, beautiful, feel that, feel the regret, feel the guilt.
What's it saying? Notice that the feeling of regret, who feel that way. So set intentions not to do the same things that you're doing to feel that regret, guilt to amends need to be made. What's it saying? It's okay to feel that way. And when we can feel the, the regret and the guilt, it keeps, keeps the shame spiral at bay.
You know, cause it's shame doesn't really get us anywhere. I don't think shame is we're broken, not broken, misguided for sure. You know? So back to this practice of being playful with our emotions. If you can, you know, what is arising, even the joy and the happiness when it's here, how, how are we experiencing that?
And I'm really about how does it feel? What does this feel like? What am I feeling? Where do I feel it? Is there tension? Is there swirling? Can I be with that? Can I touch the edges of it? And if it's too much, okay, then don't. Go back to your feet, the seat, the sounds, or the breath. It gives us this out, this container.
Open your eyes. Move around. Next time, maybe go in a little bit. See if you can stick a little bit longer. Play with it. The same thing with joy and happiness. The gazelle and the deer. Anybody try to pet a deer out in the wild? It's fleeting, right? Same thing with joy. So we watch it drink. It's here. This is what joy feels like.
And it's gonna go. It's the only truth. Everything comes and goes. There's wisdom in that. So appreciating joy and happiness when it's here, without clinging. That's a practice. So, imagery, if it works for you, cool. If not, you know, just default on your own practice. You know, and I want to bring this into our practice tonight of what's arising when emotions arise, you know.
Maybe in the beginning, just coming back to the feet, the seat, the sounds, the breath, over and over again. And seeing if the, the, the mind pond can settle a little bit. Maybe it's going to be a little bit murky still. Maybe there's some whitecaps, but there's still going to be fascinating creatures coming to drink.
Guaranteed. Yeah. Yeah. You're wrapping your head around that a little bit. It might be a little out there. Or maybe it's like a Serengeti watering hole where there's tons of different kinds of animals that are coming to fucking drink, right? You ever see that? And like, it's like, all these animals that will fucking usually kill each other, any other place, but they know this is the only watering hole, so we need to just be chill right now.
You know? So maybe that's what's happening. There's alligators, there's deer, there's crocodiles. There's, um Black Panthers. I don't know. Now I'm getting weird with it. If I didn't get weird with it before. But it's an important piece for me and I just want to share it with you of working with emotions, you know.
And it might happen here, maybe not. Maybe it's just something you reflect on in your life. What is arising now? And can I just name it in a different way? You know. And if nothing else tonight, this place coming here is just a refuge for you. You get to rest, you get to do whatever you want to do. I don't want to totally say whatever you want to do, whatever practice, mindfulness practice you want to do, you know, just a place where, okay, we're here.
If you want to get a cozy spot in the back and rest, fucking rest. You know, if you want to rest up here, cool. You know. You can hear, listen to my instructions, my offering, or just leave it. You know, you get to do you. Cool?
All right, y'all. So just finding a way to hold yourself for the next 20, 25 minutes. that feel supportive. And again, you know, I, we start with this,
yeah, start with my process of working with emotional awareness and my practice. It could be a lot to take in right now.
So I want to invite you to, as much as you can, just let that go. This is a new moment right now.
You get to just show up for yourself right here, right now.
Without any expectations.
Maybe just some intentions. An intention to, to rest. Be at ease. Good intentions. Soft intentions.
Desire.
To be just a little bit more at ease. Or just take a little reprieve from the busyness of life.
And you're giving yourself permission to do that right now. Because right now there's nowhere you need to go.
Right now in this moment there's nothing you need to do.
And right now, there's no better you that you need to be or become. And just rest.
And even if the mind's not resting, there's See if you can shift the awareness to place your direct experience that just feels good enough to come home to. Maybe it's the breath,
maybe it's the way the body's sitting in the seat, the cushion, laying down.
Maybe it's coming home to the sounds flowing Coming and going.
Allowing yourself to be held.
Sinking into the earth, the core of the earth. Supported with gravity.
Resting in a place that takes the least effort.
And the mind is still going, still thoughts, still emotions. And you find yourself there. Find the mind stuck, swirling thoughts and emotions. It's not a mistake. It doesn't mean you're doing this practice wrong. Take that opportunity and just name it, thinking, feeling, and shift your awareness back home. The feet, see the sounds, the breath,
and invite yourself to rest. If only for a moment before the next thought comes,
really noticing this coming and going of all things,
and you notice the breath coming in
and going out,
beginning, middle, and the end of each in breath,
the beginning, the middle, and the end, each out breath
softening you. Any place that's holding any tension, shoulders, face, belly, chest,
expanding on the in breath, softening on the out breath, and
you find yourself distracted with sound, maybe just noticing the coming and going of sound,
the beginning, the middle, and end of each sound, the bell.
Beginning, middle, and end.
My voice, cars.
One leads into another. Some pleasant, some unpleasant. Just sound.
Every thought has the same pattern. Beginning, middle, and end.
With all these experiences, if we notice,
there's this place in between. Between each breath, between each sound, each thought,
neither beginning or ending. I can
even bring this imagery of a clear forest, pool, pond,
with the mind settling a little bit. Maybe it's still a little choppy, murky,
coming back to a place that feels settled, the
body, the breath,
whether the
Forest Lake is calm or not. There might be some fascinating creatures coming to drink.
So if you're feeling motion in particular, can you just allow it to be here?
Getting caught up in the story of why you feel this plan, this memory,
just noticing what you feel, where are you feeling? Is there a tightening, a swirling, A heaviness.
You allow it to rest in the mind. Rest in the breath. Come and drink. Let it go on its way.
And you get to rest. Peacefully on the shore.
Protected. The other side. Mother
is joy. Anger, fear. Happiness. Doubt.
Or a mixture of them all
is naming it can be good enough. Can
you appreciate the joy, happiness, and it's here. Notice what that feels like. Even bring in a joyful thought, memory,
notice how it feels. Gladden the heart, warm the heart.
Settle the mind, stir up the mind.
And only if you want, only if you feel up to it, bring in a difficult memory.
Something that's just a little difficult. See if it can be here for a little bit. Let it drink.
The anger, the worry, the fear, the doubt.
Does it feel heavy, tight, swirling,
as much as you can if you can, and if you're not willing right now, that's okay. Can shift your awareness back to the feet, the seat, the sounds, breath.
Can you notice the beginning, the middle and end feelings. Emotions
rising and passing. Waves crashing in the ocean.
We get to rest.
Calm. Peaceful. Protected. The shore.
If your direct experience breath and body. Nowhere to go. Nothing you need to do.
No one you need to be or become. You get to rest.
You
find yourself getting caught up in the story, story of why.
See if you can let go and get intimate with what you feel and where you feel it.
Remembering that when we experience anger, frustration, sadness, it's not who we are. It's an experience.
And also notice At times that the mind is free, free of the greed, the anger.
We can't change our stories and stories of the past, but we can change our relationship to the story, to the feelings.
We become free.
Free from the story, not free of, and
we listen closely.
Pay attention. Maybe there's some wisdom in this feeling and your pain, your sorrow, your doubts, your deepest longings, your fearful thoughts. They're not mistakes.
They aren't asking to be healed.
They're asking to be held here. Now. Lightly. The loving arms of present time awareness. A warm embrace.
The Earth is here to hold you. Gravity's here to support you.
The scene, the setting. It's all set. The container. To be with it all.
You're doing great.
I'm just taking these last few minutes to bring your awareness back to right here, right now. Feet, seat, sounds, breath.
Maybe noticing the mind, if there's any creatures drinking still.
Listen to the body, if the body needs to move. Allow the body to move.
If the mind wants to drift off into some thought, allow it to. Just watch it.
Or just rest here, the last few minutes.
Before I ring the bell.
Come
back.
Just letting yourself shift. Move around, stretch. Give yourself a pat on the back, a high five. You did good work. So good, so good. Just noticing any goodness that's been cultivated from your practice. It's goodness, just showing up
and that that goodness Sink in to the marrow of your being, this goodness that is you.
And also allow this goodness to ripple out. Many goodness has come from our practice tonight. Group be for the benefit of all beings.
May all beings be at peace. May all beings be at ease. May all beings be free.
No liberation. Inward and outward.
Thank you all. See you next week.
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